Numb
by troatie
Summary: She doesn’t do anything out of passion, pride, love or hatred anymore. She’s numb." Addek oneshot set somewhere on the last half of season 2. Written to the prompt "fishing".


Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, Grey's would have gone differently.

A/N: I wrote this for a challenge using the prompt "fishing". Please read and review!

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**Numb**

Addison doesn't really know what she's doing anymore. Her life has become a series of routinary actions that she does without even thinking about them. Every single day. Wake up, hear husband groan, put shoes on, put coat on, walk dog, come back with dog, say good morning to husband, drink coffee, shower, get dressed, drive to ferryboat, work, go home, have dinner, pretend everything's fine, go to bed, say good night to husband, fall asleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And it's not that she doesn't like routine – as far as she can remember, routine has always lead her life – it's just that she doesn't feel alive anymore. She still complains about the trailer, but complaining has become part of her daily routine. She's still fighting with all her heart for her marriage to survive, but that's been happening for the last five years. She doesn't do anything out of passion, pride, love or hatred anymore.

She's numb.

And she knows what happens when she goes numb. She tries to find something that makes her feel. Something that makes her world stop or move faster. Something extraordinary that makes her feel alive again. The last time she went numb, something extraordinary turned out to be falling into bed with her – and her husband's – best friend.

And then, she wasn't numb anymore.

She could feel every single emotion that went through her body. Shock when she saw him looking at them from the doorway. Fear when he grabbed her and threw her out. Desperation when she begged him to stay. And then pain. Some days were worse than others. Some days, Mark managed to hide the pain behind mountains of love and affection. Other days, he silenced it by making her scream in pleasure. Most days, though, there was just thick, undilluted pain.

But at least she felt alive.

Now, while the pain has reached a bearable level that makes it part of her daily routine and allows her to go on with her life without giving it a second thought, she doesn't feel more alive than her Prada pumps. And she feels like every day she's taking another step towards the edge of her sanity, and she thinks about things she knows she shouldn't be thinking about.

She thinks about Mark.

Mark thrilled her. He kept her on her toes. He could handle her short temper and didn't let her get away with her spoiled princess moments. He made her feel loved and desired. She had been drowning in her marriage's routine for five years, and Mark made her breath again. He made her feel alive.

He was like coming up for air.

And now, she's back to routine and feeling barely alive. Because she can't walk away. Thinking about leaving Derek for good is like thinking about letting Preston perform heart surgery on her without anesthesia. She's starting to resent him for having that power over her. For being able to keep her around, begging for his attention, even when he clearly doesn't want her. And she's taking more steps towards that edge, and this time something extraordinary is not a person.

It's a divorce.

Because this time, she feels like she needs something big to bring her back to life. The thick layer of routine hasn't let her feel the pain of being called Satan, of being told he's still in love with Meredith, of being called an obligation. She needs to feel, and she needs something that will be strong enough to pierce through that unwanted shield. Like not being able to call him her husband anymore. And she's doing it today. As soon as she opens her eyes and hears him groan.

But he's not there.

So she goes on with her daily routine skipping the second step, because her husband is not there for his groans to be heard, and opens the door to let the dog out, following him on his daily walk. Doc chooses a different path today, and the second small change on her daily routine makes Addison take a deep breath and allow herself a small smile. Because maybe today will be better.

Maybe she won't need the divorce.

And then she sees her husband, with his back to her, fishing on the river that crosses his land. Their land? It doesn't really matter. Addison's smile grows at the sight of her husband doing something extraordinary, like waking up before her and going out to fish – he hasn't done that in months – and she walks towards him, following Doc's lead. But she hasn't reached him yet when Doc excitedly jumps around him, and she knows how much Derek hates noise while he's fishing.

And then she hears him groan.

So she's still doing the same things she does everyday, with a slight change in their order. The product is the same regardless of the order of the multiplicands. He's pushing her head under the water again, and she needs to breathe. She can't take it anymore. She needs to feel something. Anything. She can't go on like this.

"I want a divorce."

She knows it's working when his indifferent stare sends shots of blinding pain through her body. This will work. This will make her feel alive again. "I cheated on you, and that was unforgivable. I was a bitch. But I don't deserve this. I don't deserve indifference. I deserve more than this, and I won't stick around and beg you to look at me anymore." She's standing in front of him, fists clenched and a hint of a fierce look in her eyes. His expression doesn't change and she wonders if he can't even hear her these days.

"Say something, dammit!"

But he doesn't, and she's not hurting anymore. She's impossibly mad at him. She feels like she could kill him with her bare hands. "You don't get to ignore me. You don't get to make me feel like I don't exist. You don't get to show me how little I meant to you!" Her eyes glisten with tears of pure rage, and she's surprised at him keeping his eyes locked with hers.

"I hate you."

And she knows she does, because the thing that's making her blood boil is most definitely hatred. "I hate you, because I love you. And when you love someone, Derek, you can't be indifferent. I deserve more! I deserve someone that will hate me when I screw up his life. I deserve someone who will make me feel alive. I deserve someone that won't make me look for someone else to be my breath of fresh air." And then she turns around and walks away, not wanting to see him ever again.

"I love you."

She stops but doesn't turn around, because the tears are falling now, and she doesn't want him to see. She's been humiliated enough as it is, thank you very much. "I love you, Addie." If she trusted her voice not to betray her, she'd tell him not to call her that. Not now. Not ever again. "Meredith was my breath of fresh air. I loved her for that. I love her for that." She shakes her head, looking at her feet, but he goes on.

"But I'm not in love with her."

She's trying not to sniff too loudly, but she's failing miserably and she knows it. "I was in love with you. But you changed. I changed you. You became a shadow of the Addison I fell in love with. And I'm not in love with that Addison. I never was, and I never will be." She wipes away the tears with the back of her hand, knowing he is right. It was his fault, but she changed. She can't blame him for not loving that Addison.

She doesn't like her either.

"What you said a moment ago... my Addie is in there, somewhere. I thought she was gone, and thinking about trying to make a marriage work with the other Addison made me more miserable than I've ever been." She nods, with her back still to him. "But you're here, Addie. With you... I can do it with you."

"We can do it, honey."

She turns around at the sound of the last word that left his lips. He's her husband. The one who swept her off her feet and makes her heart skip a beat. The love of her life. She's been waiting for him, missing him everyday for the last six years, and now he's here, standing a few feet away from her, looking into her eyes like only he can do it, like he's reading her mind.

"Derek..."

She wants to make him stop, because she's too scared of him breaking her again. "Meredith was like coming up for fresh air, Addie." She looks into his eyes as if asking why on earth he thinks talking about Meredith is a good idea. "But you're the only one that can take my breath away." She's in shock. She knows what his words mean, but she doesn't know how to react. It takes her a few moments to figure out what to do.

She laughs.

She laughs harder than she has in a long time, and he joins in seconds later. "That was unforgivably cheesy." She smiles at him through the tears, and he returns the gesture. "I can pull it off, though." Addison nods and takes a few steps towards her husband, who's sporting the smirk that was only hers to see, the one that hadn't been on his face in years. "You can pull it off." He offers her his hand and winks at her.

"Come fish with your husband."

She takes his hand and lets him pull her towards him to steal a quick kiss from her lips. "We're trying?" She stands in front of him, her back pressed against his chest and his arms protectively wrapped around her waist. She grabs the fishing pole and looks at the water, feeling his breath on her neck, just like the many times he'd taken her fishing when they were still Addie and Derek.

"We're trying."


End file.
